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Post by Renee' on Jul 25, 2005 9:02:57 GMT -5
Got a funny joke or quotes, pictures share and put it here. ;D   |
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Post by Renee' on Jul 25, 2005 9:04:10 GMT -5
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they
still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of
stairs.
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Post by Renee' on Jul 25, 2005 12:05:02 GMT -5
I got these off another message board and thought they were pretty funny.
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
3. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
4. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
5. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
6. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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Post by Renee' on Jul 26, 2005 10:00:11 GMT -5
A man walks up to the bar with a black box in hand. He sets the box on the bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks, the man what's in the box? The guy says, never mind that can I have a drink? The bartender gives the guy his drink and stares at the box, the bartender asks again, I have to ask what is in that box? The guy says, I'm not going to tell you so just forget about it. The bartender tells him, I'll give you a free drink if you tell me. The guy tells him no.
The guy gets up to go to the bathroom he turns around and looks at the bartender and says, whatever you do, don't look in the box or I'll find out. The goes into the bathroom and the bartender being super curious lifts the lid just a crack to see what's in there.
All of a sudden a little man comes jumping out of the box racing around the bar just trashing everything in site, then jumps right back in the box. The bartender standing there stunned of just what happened the guy comes walking out of the bathroom. He looks around the bar and starts laughing while taking his seat at the bar. The bartender looks at him and says, Ok you have to tell me, what the f**k was that!? The guy tells him, one day he was walking along the beach and he found a bottle. A Genie popped out and said, I had one wish. So then I wished for a 10 inch prick.
The bartender tells the guy, he can have his free drink.
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Post by @#!!%$ on Jul 26, 2005 13:54:06 GMT -5
Seen on a t-shirt in a biker book
If my wife let me ride her as much as she let me ride my bike, I'd be home right now.
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Post by Renee' on Jul 27, 2005 8:29:17 GMT -5
I saw this one t-shirt that said,
Still A Virgin
This Shirt Is Old
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Post by Renee' on Jul 29, 2005 10:13:57 GMT -5
I got this off another web site but I have heard it before.
What Life Is All About
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day
by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too
long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other
ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,
do Monkey tricks make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year
life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty
years? I don't think so. The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do
too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go
to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a
life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough
life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give
back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said,
"What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and
the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the
ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" Okay," said God, "You've
got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play,
and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front
porch and bark at everyone!
Life has now been explained to you
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Post by Renee' on Aug 1, 2005 12:12:40 GMT -5
The Difference between men and women
1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want
change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.
3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but
it's on sale.
4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor,a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.
10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and
funerals.
11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in
two people remembering the same thing.
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Post by Renee' on Aug 1, 2005 12:20:08 GMT -5
LOL That's funny I can relate to some of the guy things.
Plus I thought this one was funny, It's so true.
(Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.)
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Post by @#!!%$ on Aug 9, 2005 7:54:20 GMT -5
If I wanted to hear a assh**e talk, I'd fart.
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Post by daunyelread on Aug 21, 2005 17:42:33 GMT -5
My sister said that the other day! LMAO
If you're going to be a d*ck, then I use one
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Post by Renee' on Aug 31, 2005 9:50:58 GMT -5
A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray
dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie ... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose?" says the genie, "You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
*** POOF ***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
*** POOF ***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
*** POOF ***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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Post by Renee' on Nov 17, 2005 17:05:35 GMT -5
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this joke:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let
them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she
burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
Gotta watch out for little old ladies! Their minds are always working! ;D
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Post by HFP on Nov 21, 2005 5:06:12 GMT -5
saw these on t-shirt's
100% tempermental
20% temper
80% mental.
I'm here about the bl*wj*b!
not really liking this next one for obvious reasons, but its funny as hell
Just call me Summer, I'm a long time c*mming, but when i c*m I'M HOT!!
redneck hunters.--A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to ground,he doesn't seem to be breathing & his eyes are rolled into the back of his head,the other redneck starts to panic, & pulls out his cell phone to call 911,he frantically blurts out to the operator, "oh my gawd, my friend just died, he's dead, what can i do?"
the operator, trying to calm him says, " i can help you, just listen to me, first we need to make sure he is dead!" there is a pause & the operator hears a loud gunshot, the redneck comes back on the line & says "OK, now what?"
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Post by Renee' on Dec 16, 2005 11:51:54 GMT -5
I took the saying off of my key chain that I have and stuck the face in the middle. If you click on it you can see a larger view.  |
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